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ÄRA TEE TÜHJAST TÜLI!

Mis sa nüüd, ära hakka pihta! Võta end kokku!

Kas pole tuttavad need näiliselt tühised lausejupid, mida meile väikesest saati on korrutatud?

Lisame sinna ootused sellest, kuidas me naistena ei peaks olema “konfliktsed”, vaid alati arusaajad ja rahu-hoidjad. Nii jōuamegi ühel päeval olukorda, kus tunneme end halvasti, aga ei oska enam täpselt öelda, miks?

Meist on saanud “Vältija”.

Vältijaga on teistel väga kerge läbi saada. Ta on tasakaalukas ja rahuarmastav. Paindlik ja hea kohaneja. Positiivne ja ei anna teistele hinnanguid. 

Vältija väldib iga hinna eest mitte ainult konflikte, vaid ka raskemaid vestlusi ja projekte. Vältija suurimaks probleemiks on EI ütlemine, teiste kurvastamine ja hirm kaotada side inimestega. Vältija alateadlik mõte on: “See on liiga ebameeldiv. Kui ma ei tee midagi, siis äkki see läheb lihtsalt üle.” 

Kui sa puudutad käega kogemata kuuma pliidiplaati, siis sa tõmbad käe koheselt ära. Valu on hetkeline. Konflikti vältimine aga paneb meid enamasti olukorda, kus käsi jääb vaikselt hõõguva pliidiplaadi peale pikaks ajaks.

Meie mõtted liiguvad eneselegi märakamatult ikka ja jälle selle situatsiooni juurde. Me otsime vabandusi teiste käitumisele, õigustusi iseenda mõttekäigule. Elame enda sees läbi erinevad väljamõeldud stsenaariumid, tekitame endas kas viha või paanikat. Ja see kõik kestab tunduvalt pikemalt kui oleksime olukorra koheselt lahendanud. Põletushaavad on sügavamad.

Oma piiride mittetundmine ja mitteseadmine ning sellest tulenevalt võimalike konfliktide vältimine, viib meid kaugemale omaenda põhiolemusest, väärtustest ja vajadustest. See aga omakorda mõjutab kõiki meie suhteid nii lähedaste, sõprade kui kolleegidega. Iseenda vajaduste allasurumine tekitab meis vimma ning sisemist pinget, mis ühel hetkel peab lahenduse leidma. Aga mis on selle hind?

Iseenda tundmaõppimine ja oma vajaduste teadvustamine on esimene samm ome Vältija hääle vaigistamisel. Kui sa tunned ära selle hetke, kus Vältija sinu sees pead tõstab, siis sul tekib valikuvõimalus: kas kuulad Vältijat või oma tegelikke vajadusi? 

Meeles tasub pidada seda, et enamasti on Vältija mõtted, et teine inimene saab kuidagi haiget kui meie oma vajadusi väljendame, valed. Sulle endale ju meeldivad konkreetsed inimesed, kes “teavad, mida nad tahavad” ja väljendavad oma soove lihtsalt ja selgelt. Miks siis ei peaks meie soovidega arvestatama?

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The Wisdom of Forty-Four

I turned 44 this year. I was not in love with this number, but tried really hard to find something that would make me fall in love with forty-four.

And so, I put my mind to work to find the reasons to like my mid-forties. I made a little inventory of how much I have learned, how far I have come. I made a list of some of my biggest insights that have had an impact on how I show up nowadays.

They are not new by any means – many people have put these into words before me. But I wanted to make this list first and foremost for me. 

Here they are.

On love and relationships

  • You can only ever experience someones else’s love for you if you love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you can accept that someone else loves you. You can only believe their love to an extent you love yourself.
  • The only true unconditional love between humans is that of a baby towards its mother. The rest of our lives we should try to discard the conditions we have been set (and taught) by others and ourselves, and get as close back to it as possible.
  • Whatever you are looking for in relationships, you have to become that yourself first. If you are looking for someone to offer you safety or be 100% reliable or forgiving or adventurous – you have to become that for yourself first. As in Point 1 – you won’t believe it exists until you are that yourself.
  • There is no One person for you in this world. There’s many. You can make it work with different people. Timing is of importance as is each of your level of self-awareness.
  • Ego has no place in a sustainable relationship. You have to put the well-being of the relationship first. 
  • Your relationship patterns will repeat until you become aware of them, heal the trauma and work relentlessly to leave them behind.
  • You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, no matter how much you love them.

On Communication

  • Until you truly listen, you will never understand the other person. Listen with every cell of your body. This can be learned. And it changes your life.
  • People have different levels of sensitivity to words. Words may hurt. They can be forgiven but in many cases, not forgotten. 

On career 

  • No-one will serve up your perfect job that makes you feel fulfilled. Fulfilment comes from being aligned to your purpose. Therefore:
    • Create your own perfect job or at least seek to create it. 
    • If you don’t know what your purpose is  – there is plenty of exercises that will help you uncover it or find a coach who helps you think deeper. Do it. 

On intelligence. 

  • There is not just intelligence (as in being smart) or emotional intelligence. There’s cognitive, aesthetic, spiritual, moral, etc., intelligence. Everyone has all of these different intelligences developed on a different level. Having this understanding helps you have more empathy and improves all your relationships and your communication.

What are your biggest truths about life you have learned? I would love to hear.

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THE POSITIVES OF THE (POST) HOLIDAY QUARANTINE

This year I travelled just like every summer to Estonia to visit my family and put my bare feet on the ground that I feel energises me. 

And like many of us these days, I had to quarantine when I got there and again now back at home. 

At the end of my Estonian holiday I felt that this holiday had felt different to previous years’ – more calm, less rushed, less feeling of obligation to “visit this” or “see that”. I wondered why?

I figured it was the first 3 days when I was in quarantine that created the difference. A quiet transition. I was not allowed out and as a result there was no reason to rush around and start seeing people and go to places.

Instead I just slept, ate and had a quiet time with my children and my wider family. Took time to relax, play boardgames, have long conversations. It helped to really arrive and calm my busy mind.

My wise sister Kaia, said there is a story about the “soul needing to catch up” when we travel too fast. 

So back at home, I allow myself the same transition time. I am not jumping back into the rush that negates the benefits of a holiday. It is a very conscious decision and I wonder where else in my life I need to apply this?

Where in you life you might need to slow down to let your soul catch up?

a large body of water